Douchebag of the Week, 4th Installment

ted cruz API knew this day would come. It was bound to happen, but I’m actually surprised that it took this long for Ted Cruz to win Douchebag of the Week. In any case, he’s taken the crown this week, which means I get to explore the mind of a crazy man once more. I’ve had my eye on Ted Cruz for quite a while, and he certainly hasn’t disappointed when it comes to ridiculous thoughts and claims. With that being said, let’s take a look at what landed the Tedmeister in the top spot as the chief of douchebaggery this week.

If you haven’t been following the latest government crisis, I’ll try to bring you up to speed in as few words as possible. At the end of September, Congress has to vote to pass a new budget. But instead of seeing it as an opportunity to reach a grand bargain, the Republicans (or at least the Tea Party crazies in the GOP) have decided that this is an opportunity to play chicken with President Obama, in an effort to get rid of Obamacare. Despite the fact that this is mathematically and strategically impossible, House Republicans passed a bill last week that funded everything except the Affordable Care Act. This bill went to the Senate, where it awaited a vote on Wednesday.

Ted Cruz, in all his dickheaded glory, stood up and spoke, perhaps to convince enough Senate Democrats to pass the healthcare-less House bill. Cruz spoke for an exhausting 21 hours straight, rambling about everything from Obamacare to Ashton Kutcher, with every unimaginable reference in between. After he finally shut the giant hole under his nose, the Senate passed an amended bill, which fully funded the government and Obamacare. This bill has been sent to the House, where John Boehner and his entourage will have until Tuesday to either pass it or attempt to amend it and risk a government shutdown.

original-30594-1380069268-8From a purely procedural standpoint, Ted Cruz accomplished absolutely nothing. To be clear, this wasn’t a filibuster; Cruz did not delay any votes or slow down any process. It was quite literally a 21-hour Ted Cruz press conference. So in essence, he wasted nearly an entire day to make himself look like some kind of Republican hero who “stood up for what he believes in.” At one point, Cruz even read “Green Eggs and Ham,” because his daughters were apparently watching him on C-Span. Yes, a Senator read a Dr. Seuss book on the Senate floor. The part that makes even less sense is that, after speaking for almost an entire day, Ted Cruz voted for the amended Senate bill, which funds Obamacare. You ranted against it for 21 hours, and then voted to fund it.What the actual fuck is happening in our government right now?

I read an interesting piece on Politico about what Ted Cruz did with this eternal speech to nowhere. Rich Lowry said that by speaking for so long and getting national attention, Cruz “dramatically reaffirmed Republican resolve to repealing Obamacare.” Seriously? So the 42 attempts by House Republicans to repeal Obamacare didn’t prove that Republicans hate it? The constant lying and deceptive claims made about the healthcare law didn’t tip us off to that? Are you kidding me? Saying that Ted Cruz revamped the Republican fight against Obamacare is like saying that the power outage at the Super Bowl jump-started a discussion on renewable energy. It just didn’t happen, and it’s foolish to act like Ted Cruz accomplished something.

Shutdown-RNCLet’s talk about what the real issue is here. The Tea Party and heavily right-wing Republicans are determined to make Obama fail as a president. There is no arguing at this point that they’re concerned for the well-being of Americans, because their one and only goal is to shoot down everything President Obama does until 2016. They can tell us until they’re blue in the face that they’re willing to compromise, but it’s painfully obvious that they aren’t. If you’re willing to compromise, why not have serious debates about the provisions in Obamacare that need to be fixed, and fix them? No piece of legislation is perfect, and it’s up to the democratic process to correct them. If you don’t do that, what the hell are you doing in Congress?

It’s one thing to oppose Obamacare. There are millions of Americans who don’t agree that the ACA is the best way to handle healthcare, and they have valid concerns. But the fact is that Obamacare is the law of the land now. It was passed, and it even withstood the nutjob Teabaggers dressed as Founding Fathers protesting it. There is no way that you’re going to repeal it, and that’s just fact. Many Republicans have realized this, but unfortunately the lunatic wing has yet to come to terms with defeat.

From a Tea-Party-politics standpoint, there are only a few options. If you repeal Obamacare, you don’t have to worry about it. But if it’s implemented and it saves millions of dollars and lives, the Democrats get all the credit for it. So once we get into the true motivation behind this extended blabber-mouth session, it’s obvious that Republicans aren’t afraid that Obamacare will fail and take away freedoms; they’re afraid it’ll work. This entire argument isn’t really about healthcare, it’s about the Republicans making a last-ditch effort to save their image before they go the way of the Whigs and other extinct political parties. In essence, the Republicans are Jabba the Hutt, and this is their death rattle in Return of the Jedi.

palin-andcruzAt first, Ted Cruz and his Tea Party cohorts were comic relief, but at this point it’s just sad to watch them use the negotiating tactics of a five-year-old to try to get what they want. Obviously the “Green Eggs and Ham” bit is the funniest part of this particular story, especially given the context of the book itself. I could elaborate, but I think Jon Stewart said it best:

“So to express your opposition to Obamacare, you go with a book about a stubborn jerk who decides he hates something before he tries it.”

Really, Ted. You need help. This 21-hour mouth masturbation session did nothing except put you in the spotlight for 2016. It didn’t stop Obamacare, it didn’t change any minds, and you didn’t even break the Senate record for longest time without a piss break. Get your shit together, man. If you’re going to do something pointless, at least do it with some dignity. You can’t read “Green Eggs and Ham” to protest something. Everyone knows “Cat in the Hat” is much more appropriate, you insensitive prick. 


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