Over the years, I’ve adopted my own sort of philosophy. It’s a mix of common sense, logic, and human decency. I call this mindset “Justintology,” although it is in no way a religion or a set of beliefs. I often sum up a story with “don’t be a douchebag,” which falls in line with this philosophy. As human beings, I think that we need to be decent people. I’m not toting a tye-dye flag and singing Kumbayah, I’m just saying that a measure of common kindness goes a long way in our society. More often than not, the problems in this world would be solved if we had less assholes.
There are plenty of examples, like Ken Cuccinelli, a conservative running for governor in Virginia. For some reason, Ken has taken it upon himself to support a Virginia sodomy law (which includes oral sex), despite the fact that it has been ruled unconstitutional by the Supreme Court. The law also applies to married couples, which means that even heterosexual married couples couldn’t have oral sex. There are no semantics here, this man is trying to outlaw blowjobs.
I find this ridiculous, but also representative of the absurdity that Republicans need to avoid as they attempt to reshape the image of their party. You want to start winning elections? Stop endorsing people that want to make blowjobs illegal. Stop letting people like Steve King make racist comments about immigrants. And for the love of bacon, get rid of the crazy Tea Party members that are dragging you into the political abyss. Getting back to the sodomy law, I wish I could say something to Ken Cuccinelli. But what could it be? Hmm…
The bottom line is that Ken is nuts, and his support of this unconstitutional sodomy law proves that he does not belong in a position of power. What people do in their bedrooms is of no concern to you or the government. Come on, Ken. Don’t try to control what people do in the privacy of their own homes. Don’t be a douchebag, leave blowjobs alone.
Ken isn’t the only example of nimroditude in today’s society. He’s actually third on my personal list of douchebags this week. Taking second is Lauren Green, a Fox News host that conducted the most ridiculous interview I’ve seen in quite some time. You can click the link and watch it for yourself, but her bias is obviously clear throughout the interview. She takes the silver medal by insisting that Reza Aslan’s book is not academic because of his personal religious beliefs, when in fact his book negates many of the common claims that Islam makes about Jesus.
As if that wasn’t enough, he didn’t write the book because he’s a Muslim. He wrote the book because he is a scholar of religion with four degrees (one of them being in the New Testament). He has a PhD and he is a professor of religion. It is his job to write about religion, just like it’s Lauren’s job to sit behind a desk and put on ten pounds of makeup so that she looks pretty while reporting made-up news stories about Obama being a Kenyan Muslim terrorist who’s out to destroy America. Don’t be a douchebag, Lauren (and by extension, Fox News). Stop hating Muslims and ask useful questions.
If there’s a third and a second place, there must be a first. So who takes the gold this week? It’s actually an unidentified man who is in the news for being the worst kind of douchebag he could possibly be: a homophobe. This man, who I’m going to call Bob for the time being, has pissed off quite a few people, including a mother in his local Walmart. Her name is Katie Vyktoriah (I love the way her last name is spelled), and she has two sons. The youngest is 5 months, and his big brother Dexter (seen above) is two years old. Isn’t he adorable?
On a recent trip to Walmart, Dexter decided to wear his mother’s pink headband. Katie thought nothing of it, and took her boys to the store. As she prepared to check out, some girls asked her if Dexter was a boy or a girl. She replied, telling them that he was a boy (which is sort of obvious from the pictures). And that’s when the shit hit the fan.
Bob (remember, that’s probably not his real name) overheard this and shouted “THAT’S A BOY??” Katie again confirmed this, at which point Bob took it upon himself to pull the pink headband off Dexter’s head and throw it into their cart. He finished his act of assholery with “you’ll thank me later, little man!” Katie, being a mother, put herself between the man, who reportedly reeked of cigarette smoke and beer, and her son. She threatened to cut his hands off if he ever touched her son again, and rightfully so. Bob, being the homophobic prick that he is, proceeded to call Dexter, A TWO-YEAR-OLD CHILD, a “fucking faggot” and warned that he would “get shot for it one day” before walking away.
After reading this story, there was no doubt in my mind that Bob is the douchebag of the week, and possibly the month (August is just beginning, so there’s still time for something worse to happen). Forget the gay/straight argument for a moment here. I don’t care what you see on a child’s head. If it’s not your child, DON’T TOUCH THEM. Period. There are no ifs, ands, or buts about this. You don’t touch someone else’s child unless they give you permission. That’s grounds for assault, along with a myriad of other serious charges. You may not agree with a boy wearing pink, or a girl wearing camo. But you don’t approach them and put your hands on them because they don’t fit your definition of how a boy or a girl should dress. End of discussion.
This probably wouldn’t have made headlines if Bob (who I suspect is a Rush Limbaugh/Michelle Bachmann fan) had approached Katie calmly and started a conversation about her son and the headband. Even that crosses the line of what’s appropriate here. It wasn’t Bob’s place to inject himself into this woman’s life and tell her what she’s doing wrong as a parent. Dexter seems like a happy young boy, and he obviously has very loving parents. There was no reason for this asshole to belittle him because of a headband. So Bob, don’t be a douchebag. Let kids be kids.
This story speaks to a larger problem. We live in a world where people are far too concerned with what others are doing. If you see something that you disagree with, you have a right to speak your mind about it. But that doesn’t always mean you should use that right. Obviously if a child is being harmed or something of that sort, we have a responsibility to step in and stop it. But if you don’t like what a kid is wearing, keep it to yourself. I see 8-year-olds at Walmart wearing One Direction shirts, but I don’t harass them about it because it’s none of my damn business. I could care less what bands they like, I’m just there to get my Sour Skittles and donuts.
We have to stop interfering with matters that don’t concern us. This applies to the same-sex marriage debate as well. If you don’t like gay marriage, don’t get married to someone of the same sex. Problem solved. But we try to control one another far too often, and this leads to all the problems we’re having today. Bob is a prime example of this, as he tried to control what someone else’s child wears, out of a fear that Dexter would grow up to be gay because he once wore a pink headband. It’s absurd behavior, which is why Bob managed to beat a racist Fox News host and an anti-blowjob candidate in the fight to be the biggest asshole. So Bob, how does it feel to be the Douchebag of the Week? Don’t worry, you get a medal and everything. There’s just one problem though.. IT’S PINK.